coming out.....

I don’t want to use this term loosely but I have been thinking about this for some time. Whenever my friends and family ask me, so what is your book about? I am hesitant to tell them. I don’t know why but I just sugarcoat the truth, make it seem bland and vanilla story not embellishing too many sexy details. I felt like for so long I needed to hide what I used to do for a living: exotic dancing.  

I retired from dancing in 2014, after a completely ordinary day at work; except for the millionth time I had lost my phone or it had been stolen. I am almost certain it was stolen because we (my friend and I) had kept calling it and then suddenly it was turned off. I had made over $500 during a day shift on a Thursday. My hustle was on point that day but I did indulge in too much champagne since my friend was driving us. I got more upset than normal about my phone because I was drunk and it was happening AGAIN. Just like it had almost every year for the previous seven. And I was just done. My friend and I left the club (sans phone) and then I discovered that I was also missing a $100 bill. UGH so my 500-dollar day took a big loss AND I would have to pay my insurance deductible for a new phone ($200) so it made it feel like I had barely made any money at all. My phone wasn’t even special, it was an old iPhone so I knew someone had stolen it out of spite when I left it in the bathroom. I have replayed that day over and over in my mind. Me - leaving the club crying yet again. It was like the previous seven years flashed before my eyes. All the drama, all the tears and all the lost merchandise that I had experienced in the club scene. Once I got home, I made N drive me to the nearest dumpster where I threw my entire stripper bag in the trash. All the heels, garters, t-backs, thongs, panties, fishnets everything related to dancing except my makeup and hair straightener went into the dumpster behind an HEB. I was just going to figure it out, how to make money without the club.

            I had quit before for a few months on and off but I always went back. Mostly for lack of a better way to make money, lazy or I started drinking again after a period of sobriety. The club was always my safety plan when others failed. And now it was finally time to stand on my own.

            Since then I went back to school and finished my degree. I had a baby. N and I are still together and I’ve started working a full-time job, plus a few side jobs to make the ends meet. I started this blog so I could have a place to write my thoughts about my previous life and hopefully help others or find a community of writers, feminists, strippers, ex-dancers and anyone else curious about the strip club industry. It is meant to be a place that I can share all my experiences past and present and come full circle to embracing the girl that I used to be with who I have become now.

            Well so far, I haven’t been true to my original intentions. I am playing it safe. Not putting myself out there like I want to and just posting random updates about my life instead of what I really want to do. I want to post about my life - past and present. I’m writing a book about it and I have planned it for years. I have been writing it for some time (I have a BA in English) and I want the blog to be a place I can share about my process, the experience and everything that I want to talk about that won’t fit into the novels (yes, I’m hoping it will be a series).

            So here it is: I AM A RETIRED STRIPPER! I loved my old job and miss it dearly sometimes. I also hated parts of it and wish I hadn’t started. That dichotomy is what I want to explore here.  I don’t want to be judged or feel like I’m being judged by my friends and family anymore. I don’t want to hide a part of my past because I’m not ashamed of it and I don’t see why I should be. There were other things I struggled with in my past but I was good at my job and enjoyed doing it. Hopefully, coming out through this blog will make writing the book easier and I can gain some support from others doing the same. First and foremost, I am a writer and I just want to share this part of my story.